I admire people with a strong personality because my way of thinking is very ordinary. To me, anyone who displays a distinct personality has great appeal. I think the society we're living today was formed by individuality and special talents being used to their fullest - like in the James Bond movies. The world is in need of people with strong personalities. But individuality is your own property. It's not something you can impose on other people. However, when everyone takes things in different ways, life gets very complicated.

Coming home from school, I met Keiko at the bicycle park. I carried my Yamato and Last Concert records and Keiko carried my heavy schoolbag for me in the basket of her bicycle. She left me at the bottom of the pedestrian bridge. She said there was something she had to do. I like that kind of honest attitude. But apparently some of the others think Keiko is heartless.

I think I've caught a cold. I seem to have a temperature. But I feel OK and I have a good appetite. However, I'm not confident about my health. I need a new thermometer because I broke the one we had. I want to check my heath in numbers. I'll ask Dad.

Aya often gets sick. She's the child who costs more than a double what her brothers and sisters cost. She promises that when she becomes an adult and is fit, she'll help you, Dad and Mom, to lead a comfortable life, She'll be good to you because of all that she owes you both.

-----

I've been thinking about lots of things while lying down, like what the teacher told us during social studies class: "Being bullied can be a good experience because it makes you stronger" and "If a junior high school student studies really hard, they'll get better results."

It's not too late to start now. I'll try and do my best ..
At the same time, my bad physical condition is worrying me.

"Don't cry, you crybaby! When you think things are hard, that's the time you are maturing as a person. If you get over the darkness, a wonderful new day will come. The bright morning will be filled with light and the birds will be singing. There will be white roses with a lovely fragrance.."

Where on earth can happiness be found? And what is happiness, anyway?
"Aya, are you happy now?"
"No way! I'm in the midst of a bottomless sadness, I'm in pain - mentally and physically.."
In fact, I'm just one step away from going insane!
Because, in a way, my condition now is like the proverbial crow that was cawing till a moment a go but is now laughing.

Summer tangerines are the only fruit we can harvest at Seiryo Junior High. When we went out to do weeding along the line of trees, some boys started making fun of the way I walked.

"Why do you walk like that? What's the matter with you? You look like a kindergarten kid."
"Ah, you're in high spirits. But you're a bit bandy-legged are you?"
They said a lot and laughed a lot, which made me angry. Of course, I ignored them. If I hadn't, I would have cried so much that my tears ducts would have dried up. But I had to try hard not to cry. Somehow I managed not to...

Today there was an incident I really felt frustrated about. It was during the PE period. I changed clothes as usual and went to the meeting place.

"Today," said the PE teacher, "we're going to run to the park one kilometer away. When we get there we'll practuce passing basketballs."
His words struck me to the heart: "Run ... passing basketballs.. " Impossible. I couldn't do that.
"And what are you going to do, Aya?" he asked.
All I could do was look down at the ground.
"Well," the teacher continued, "I think you'll have to study by yourself in the classroom, along with O-chan." (She forgotten to bring her PE outfit to school)

At once my classmate started saying things like, "Oh I envy you, Aya, being able to study by yourself..."
I was boiling inside. I felt like saying, "If you want to study by yourself, I'll gladly change places with you. Even if it's only for one day, I'd like to swap my body with someone else's. Then that person might understand the feelings of someone who can't do things even if they want to. Everytime I walk, or just take one step forward, my body feels unstable and shaky. I feel humiliated and sad that I can't do what everyone else can do. Can't you understand these feelings without experiencing them yourself? Even if you can't have the same feelings as I have, I'd like you to put yourself in my position for just a while."

However, I've had second thoughts about it. Yes, I suppose it is difficult to understand - for me, too. I only realised what it was like after I became like this...

I go to the hospital in Nagoya with my mother. (Written by Aya in English)

We left at 9 a.m. Rika, my baby sister, wasn't feeling well, but she had to go to her nursery school anyway because I was going to the hospital... poor girl !

We arrived at Nagoya University Hospital at 22 a.m. We had to wait for about three hours. I tried to read a book, but i was feeling nervous. I couldn't concentrate as much as usual because I was feeling rather worried.

"I rang Professor Itsuro Sofue (now Director of Chubu National Hospital)," Mom said, "so I'm sure you'll be all right."

But..
At last my name was called out. My heart was beating fast. Mom explained my problems to the doctor:
1. I fell over and cut my chin. (A normal person would put out their arms to break the fall, but my face hit the ground directly.)
2. The way I walk is unstable. (I can't bend my knees much.)
3. I've been losing weight.
4. My movements are slow. (I've lost the ability to move quickly.)

Listening to her, I was amazed. Mom is always moving around so busily, but now I know that she's been observing me very carefully! She knew everything about me.. That made me feel more secure. So, the things I've secretly been worried about have been conveyed to a doctor. My worries will be solved.

I sat on a round char and looked at the doctor. He was wearing glasses. He had a gentle look and a warm smile, so I felt relieved. He asked me to close my eyesm strech out both my hands and try to make my forefingers meet. Then I had to stand on one leg. Then I lay down on a bed and he stretched and bent my legs. He patted my knees with a hammer. I was totally under his thumb. Then the examination was over.

"Now, let's take a CT scan," he said.
"Aya," said Mom, "it won't hurt you or anything. It's only a machine that checks your brain by cutting it in round slices."
"What! Cutting my brain in round slices?"
That's a very serious matter to the person being scanned! A big machine slowly came down from above. My head was completely covered. It was as if I was riding in space. A man in a white frock said, "Lie down still and don't move." I lay still just as I was told. Then I began to feel sleepy.

After the examination, we were kept waiting for a long time. Then we got some medicine and went home.
I have added one more order to my list:
I won't complain about taking medicine - even if it's enough to fill up my stomach- as long as it makes me better.

Dr Sofue at the prestigious Nagoya University Hospital, I beg you, please help to save the life of Aya, the budding beauty. You told me that I should only go and see you once a month because the hospital's far away and I have to go to school. Well, I definitely come and see you, and I will do whatever you tell me to do. So please make me better, I beg you !

Illness Creeping Up

Signs of Something
Recently, I seem to be getting skinnier. I wonder if it's because I've been skipping meals to do all my homework and independent research? Even when I think of doing something. I can't carry it out, and that gets me into trouble. I blame myself, but I can't make any progress. I'm just wasting energy. I want to put on a bit of weight. I'll try to take action starting tomorrow so that my plans won't be ruined.

It was drizzling. "I hate going to school holding an umbrella as well as carrying my heavy school bag and another bag." Just as I was thinking this, my knees suddenly seemed to collapse and I fell over on a narrow graveled road. I was only about 100 meters away from home. I banged my chin hard. I touched it gently and found my fingers were covered with blood. I picked up my bags and umbrella that were scattered on the road and retraced my steps back home.

"Have you forgotten something?" Mom callaed as she came out into the entrance hall. "You'd better hurry up or you'll be late!... Oh dear, what happened?"
All i did was cry. I couldn't say anything. Mum quickly wiped my bloodstained face with a towel. There was some grit in the cut.

"I think this is a job for the doctor," said Mom. She quickly helped me change out my wet clothes and firmly applied a plaster to the cut. Then we jumped into the car. I had two stitches without any anesthesia. It was all a result of my clumsiness, so I tried to bear the pain with my teeth clenched. But, more important, I'm sorry, Mom - because of me you had to take a day off work.

Looking at my painful chin in the mirror, I wondered why I didn't put my arms forward to break my fall. Was it because my athletic ability is so poor? I was pleased, however, that the cut was at the back of my chin. (If it had a scar in some more visible place, the future would be a closed book for me in terms of marriage.)

My physical education scores so far:
First grade at Junior high - 3
Second grade - 2
Third Grade - 1
How disappointing ! Lack of effort? I was hoping to gain a bit more strength with the circuit training during the summer holiday. But i failed. I didn't do it long enough. So I suppose it's not surprising. (Of course it isn't! = The myster voice of my other self)

-----

This morning, the sunlight and a pleasant breeze we coming in through the yellow lace curtains on the kitchen window. I was crying.
"I wonder why it's only me that's so poor in athletic abilty?"
In fact, we had a balance beam test today.
"But you're good at other subjects, so it's all right, isn't it?" Mom said, looking down. "In the future, you can make the most of your ability in your favorite subject.
You're very good at English. So why don't you try and thoroughly master that? It's the international language, so I'm sure it'll be useful in the future. It doesn't matter if your score for PE is only 1... "
I stopped crying. Mom made me realize that I still have some hope.

I'm becoming more and more weepy. And my body won't move the way I want it to. Am I getting in a fluster because I'm lazy about doing my homework, which I could only finish if I spent five hours a day on it? No, something inside my body seems to be going wrong.

I'm scared!
I have a feeling that tightens my heart.
I want to get more exercise.
I want to run with all my might.
I want to study.
I want to write neatly.

-----

I think Paul Mauriat's Toccata is really nice. I've grown very fond if it. When I play it while I'm eating meals, the food tastes so good, it's like a dream.

-----

Now about Ako, one of my sisters. Up to now, I've only noticed the ill-natured side of her character. But now I can see that she's actually very kind. Why do I think that? Well, I'm very slow when we walk to school in the morning, but she always stays with me. My brothers just walk on ahead and leave me behind. But when we were crossing a pedestrian bridge, Ako took my school bag off me and said, "Aya, you'd better hold the handrail while you go up."

-----
I'm pretty well out of the summer holiday mood now.
As I was going upstairs after clearing up the dinner things, Mom said "Aya can you come and sit down for a moment?" She looked very serious. I became tense, wondering what she was going to tell me off about.
"Aya," she said, "you seem to be walking with your upper body leaning forward and you're rolling to the right and left. Have you noticed that yourself? I've noticed you've been doing that for a while, and it's beginning to worry me. Shall we go to the hospital for a checkup?"

"... Which hospital?" I asked after a pause.
"I'll find one that can give you a thorough examination. Leave it up to me. Allright?"
My tears flowed nonstop. I really wanted to say, "Thank you, Mom. I'm sorry for causing you such anxiety." But I was stuck for words.

Since Mom has suggested I should go to a hospital, I've been wondering if there really is something wrong with me.

Is it because my athletic ability is so poor?
Is it because I stay up late?
Is it because I eat irregularly?
I couldn't help crying as I was asking myself those questions. I cried so much, my eyes hurt.

Dad: 41 years old. He's a bit impetuous, but sweet.
Mom: 40 years old. I respect herm but she's tough when she goes right to the heart of the matter.
Me: 14 years old. At the start of adolescence. A delicate age. A crybaby, in short.
Emotion incarnate. Simple girl. Loses temper easily, but also laughs easily.
Ako: 13 years old. I have a sence of rivalry with her in terms of both study and personality. But these days she has me under pressure.
Hiroki: 12 years old. A tough customer. Formidable. He's younger than me, but he sometimes seems more like an elder brother. He's also Koro the dog's foster father.
Kentaro: 11 years old. He has a rich imagination but can be careless
Rika: 3 months old. She has Mom's curly hair and Dad's face (her eyes in particular, the hands of the clock pointing to eight twenty). Very cute !

My Family

Mary Died
Today is my birthday. How big I've grown! I think I should thank Mom and Dad. I'm determined to get better grades and be much healthier so that i won't dissapoint them. That's part of the reason why i want to enjoy the prime of my life. I don't want to have anything to regret in the future. I'm going to a school camp the day after tomorrow. I must study hard to finish my homework, otherwise I won't feel free.
Keep it up, Aya!

Tiger, the neighbours' fierce dog, bit Mary on the neck and she died. Tiger is big, but Mary was very small. She went up to him wagging her short tail to show she was friendly.
"Mary, no! COME BACK!" I shouted desperately, but...
She died without being able to cry out. That must have been so frustrating for her. If she hadn't been born a dog, she wouldn't have to die so soon. Mary, I hope you'll be happy wherever you are!

Our new house is finished. The big room on the east side of the second floor is like a castle for me and my younger sister, Ako. It has a white ceiling and the walls are brown veneer. The scenery through the windows is different from what I'm used to. I'm happy we have our own room, but a big room makes me feel a bit lonely. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight?

Starting in a fresh mood!

1. I should wear T-shirts and pants (more comfortable for moving around in).
2. Daily tasks:
* Watering the garden
* Weeding
* Checking if there are any insects on the backs of the leaves of the tomato plant i planted
* Checking for lice on the leaves of the chrysanthemums and getting rid of any I find at once
3. I mustn't neglect my studies!
4. Besides all these, I should record what happens every day in my diary.. without fail.

I order myself to do all these things.