The Start of Distress

At the Hospital

Life away from home has begun-for the first time in my life, I'm sharing a room with a woman who's about 50 years old. When Mom greeted her, saying "Kuregure mo yoroshiku (I earnestly ask for your support for my daughter)," I bowed to her as well. She has a serene look with lonely-looking eyes. I'm feeling nervous, worrying about what kind of life is waiting for me..

This evening, I went for a walk with the woman. We sat on a bench under a cherry tree. The light seemed to be moving around through the leaves. I couldn't see clearly because I'm very shortsighted. However, I felt a sense of bi (beauty) in the relation between the green leaves and the white light. There was also a sense of hen (change) in the way the breeze was casually swaying the leaves.

I am gradually getting used to hospital life. But 'Lights Out' is at 9 p.m. and dinner's served at 4:30 p.m. That's definitely too early! The pace of my life has changed and the busy day passes in a big rush.

I get a lot of checkups everyday: electromyograms (so painful!), electrocardiograms, X-rays and hearing tests. I'm taken to places all over the hospital. It's so huge, I sometimes don't know where I am. I don't like the dimly lit corridors. They depress. me.

Dr. Hiroko Yamamoto (now Professor at the Department of Neurology, Fujita Health University Hospital) said they will soon start administering a very effective kind of injection. In order to compare my condition before and after the injections, they filmed me walking, going up and down the stairs, buttoning up my clothes, etc. with a 16mm camera.

What am I going to be in the future.. or, rather, can I be something?

Conditions for Work
1. Something I don't have to use my body for.
2. Something I can use my brain for.
3. Something that brings in a stable income.

It's difficult. I wonder if there's any occupation that meets all these conditions?

Several young doctors fiddled around me.
"Stand on your toes!"
"Now stand up with your eyes closed!"
"Can you do this?"
And something about my pelvis...

After all that fiddling, they said, "Are you enjoying this?"
No more, thank you!
I almost shouted, "I'm not a guinea pig! Please stop it!"

Sunday. the long awaited day. My dear mom and sisters came to visit me. We went to the rooftop together to hang out the washing. The blue sky was so lovely. The white clouds were beautiful too. The breeze was rather too warm, but I felt comfortable. I fe;t I'd become more human again after a long time.

They took a sample of my spinal fluild. Now I have a headache, a terrible headache. Is it because of the injection?

Mi-chan's family visited me (Mom's younger brother's family). Uncle's eyes were red. I really wanted to comment on them but I couldn't. I just stared at him.
Then he said, "I got sunburned at work and I stayed up till late last night.. Do I look funny?"
He was so sunburned, I felt sorry for him. His eyse were like those of a rabbit. They looked as if he had just been crying.

"Aya, keep it up!" he said. "I'll bring you something delicious to eat next time. What would you like?"
"Actually, I want a book," I said. "Bonjour Tristesse by Françoise Sagan. I've wanted toread that for a long time."

I went to the Physiotherapy Department. It's located underground. Two physiotherapist, Dr. Kawabata and Dr. Imaeda, gave me a test to ceck my level of academy ability. I told them some nonsense: "I love Japanese and English, I'm confident in both and my grades are good." Who would dare to say something like that? I'll never say it again. Boasting about my result makes me feel more miserable and makes me want to rob a bank or something.. On the whole, I think being smart is something which should reveal itself automatically, it's not something you can tell from grades on a test.

Dr. Kawabata told me he was a naughty student in his school days. Honestly, I think that's better because it means you're healthy. As for me, I'm still young, but I'm already in this kind of condition. I was so miserable, I couldn't help crying.

I shouldn't say anymore. But I've written down all I wanted to say, so I feel a bit refreshed.

I study hard because I'm useless for anything else. If you took studying away from me, all I'd be left with is my disabled body. I don't want to think that. I feel that it's sad and cruel, but this is the reality of my life! I woulnd't mind being brainless. I just want a healthy body.